Men’s magazines are great for. I could side with Puff YET AGAIN and just leave it at “No bitchassness,” but you know I’m more long-winded than that. 8 Steps to Perfection, not courtesy of those morons at Details.
Here’s my list – which, if you’re a man, you might think you can disregard since you might think that if you’re a Real Man that Real Men don’t adhere to rules or lists. In general, this is true. Keep in mind, though, that I’m a nurse/stripper/librarian with my own weed farm and a sex addiction, except part of my addiction is that I only have sex with 1 dude (that’s you), Steve Jobs is my uncle and gives me free things, and ________. Also, I have crushes on dudes like Rick Rubin and Harvey Keitel and Bob James, so what the hell do I know.
1. Don’t use the c-word, ever. Even if it’s justified. I mean it. Ew.
2. Be calm. Help the ladies in your life to calm down. Remind them to relax. This can be done verbally, or simply by you remaining calm and/or relaxed. If I may get a little homogeneous for a moment, broads are, as a rule, too high-strung (it comes with taking care of people/things/animals; it’s usually a pretty useful quality but it gets out of hand). Providing a calm, steady “Everything’s gonna be ok” goes farther than you’d believe. Nobody wants to do naked things with Woody Allen or George Costanza.
3. Use the f-word often. I like it. Some people say the effect gets diluted if you use it all the time. They are wrong. If you’re pissed off at the world, you’re paying attention, and this is conveyed to me by your foul mouth. That’s a nice quality for a man to have.
4. Tip well. If you’re not a good tipper, either you’ve never had a job serving anybody which means you’ve never had to have a job serving anybody, which means you’re either George W. Bush or Howard Hughes, or you have had a job serving people but you’ve gone and forgotten how hellish it can be. That’s not manly. Empathy is manly. Cough it up, Mr. Pink.
5. NO diet drinks. No fat-free drinks. No clothes shopping with your lady. You should like her in a nice summery dress, jeans that inspire you to grab her, or no clothing at all. I used to have on here things like Watch sports and Know how to put things together, but dudes of my generation and younger seem to be losing these qualities so I got over it, finally, about 3 days ago. I’ll watch football by myself, and I’ll get Uncle George or Brandon across the hall to put together my Ikea shelf. You getting the door for me is very sweet. And manly. The small of the back and the waist are not touched enough.
6. Scruff and tattoos are often sported in an attempt to convince other men and the ladies of one’s manliness. But that’s like a man costume. That said, 94% of dudes look better with some scruff. Yes please.
7. Own Illmatic. Live it, love it, dream it, achieve it. Extra copies are good (not for me, of course; I have my own).
8. That thing where, if you’re in line at the store and you have a bunch of things to ring up and there’s somebody behind you with 1 or 2 things and you offer to let that person go ahead of you? YES. Keep doing that.
9. If you think a girl is pretty, tell her. Walk up and tell her. Women can give life, we’re more powerful than you that way, but most of us are upright collections of insecurities, and being told we look nice is a simple and timeless way of making us smile. We can be felled by something sweet coming out of your mouth. Don’t feel like you have to get too specific ’cause then it gets corny – “You have beautiful ______” (unless her eyes really are large and pretty like a baby deer’s). If she takes offense at you telling her she’s pretty, or responds rudely, or doesn’t appreciate how difficult it was for you to walk up to her and tell her she’s pretty, keep it movin. PS, her simply saying “Thank you” and then excusing herself is an appropriate response and doesn’t make her a c-word. Maybe she has a boyfriend. Who knows.
Method Man in that Alicia Keys video. He knows she loves to play piano so he gets her a piano.
Basically, don’t be an idiot and don’t be mean. And don’t pursue girls with a web logs. They’re trouble and will break your heart.
or maybe it’s that they’re black.
Ghostface Supa GFK