Team’s best rap nods: Aw, pumpkin! I’m so glad you asked!
• “JETLIFEJETLIFEJETLIFEJETLIFE, jet set/nothing less, jets fool, EAH, where haven’t we been, lames catch feelings/we catch flights, jet life/it sucks to be you…” (fade out). • “New York City respects my game like
Team’s best rap nod: • “I slam tracks like quarterback sacks from LT” – Deck. (Reference circa 1981-9, but it still counts)
Pros: • Pro Bowl-er; NFL’s reception yards leader last year (1448). • He and Kyle Orton are in sync like Curren$y and…Alc? (Spitta calls him “Al.” AWW.)
Con: Glamour shots.
Con: I’m an IRL Raider fan, and I fear that my IRL hatred of the Chiefs will result in me self-sabotaging when it comes to fantasy, purposely putting Bowe in some no-win situations. Why do I do the things that I do? What’s going on in this head of mine? More complex than an almanac, that’s me.
Team’s best rap nod: “Watching the Chiefs blow ’em out/In between Arrowhead and Suave House, no doubt” – Andre Rison (ha) on an Eightball song. I should call this “team’s only rap nod, outside of ‘Queen’s Gambit’ (too easy), something by Tech N9ne (nope), or a fucking Mac Miller song (which I refuse to post on here, for ethical reasons).” And because the mourning of Jerry Lieber continues in apt. 680, “Kansas City” is appropriate for the listening in this case too. It’s not-rap but it’s got bass and movement, and that makes it perfect for the chopping and looping. I have daydreams of its future appearance as a rap break; won’t somebody please use it?
WR: Jeremy Maclin, Philadelphia Eagles
Backup WR: Plaxico Burress, Jets
Cons: Will maybe have a Prodigy-esque just-out-the-pen hunger to overcompensate out of desperation which would result in some underwhelming performances (aw Prod. Sorry, buddy).
Rap nod(s): Oh Jesus Christ, too many. So many. (Game n’ Weezers)
Backup backup WR: Jordy Nelson, Green Bay Packers
in a shocking turn of events, it’s possible that ownership could go with Chicago’s Johnny Knox as a Possible Backup WR instead! He might get lost in the shuffle on a team that has Roy Williams and Devin Hester, but at least his name’s not Jordy. It’s an odd and powerful feeling, being a woman in LA with no team-ownership experience who suddenly finds herself able to put these guys in or take them out in a giant game of Fate, Destiny, and Met/Unmet Expectations. This must be what it’s like to be Jerry Jones! Or RZA and GZA on the giant Clock of Life, taking breaks to play chess.
RB: YAYYY I GOT ARIAN FOSTER ON MY SQUAD, TOP OF THE WORLD, MA!, Houston Texans
Quotable: “Understand the universe, you’ll understand me.” Oh good lord.
Team’s best rap nod(s): None for the team specifically; I’m pretty sure the Texans have only existed in the league for like 6 months. For the city of Houston’s rap nods, though, I suggest you visit the rap- and bathing-suit-appreciation blog HeightFiveSeven. Understand bass, you’ll understand me. Understand hips, you’ll understand me.
RB: Shonnnnnnnn Greene, NY Jets
Backup RB: BenJarvus Green-Ellis, New England Patriots
Cons: See below.
Quotable: “That shuttle launch was pretty sweet.” He also enjoys reruns of Rob and Big, going to the gym, and staying positive – all important parts of his training regimen for the 2011 Boring-Personality-Off between himself and Eli Manning.
K: Nate Kaeding, San Diego Chargers
Team’s best rap nod: “I might charge through San Diego with the bolts on my shoulder/Rock the Trailblazer warm-up, ’cause Portland gets colder” – Fabolous. Nice to hear a song from Loso about menswear rather than yet another one about ladies’ shoes and purses.
Pros: Lawrence “I breaks it down to the bone gristle” Taylor has a fondness for powdery stimulants and sex professionals, but nobody can dispute his skill as a player. His competitive spirit still permeates the Giants’ defensive line to this day (in my head), though he hasn’t played since the ’90s. As far as the current roster goes, all I feel the need to say is PRINCE AMUKAMARA. Nigerians are good at everything.
Team’s best rap nods: • “Looking like Barry Sanders/So Icey flex game” – Waka. • “A city full of Tommy Hearns thumpers/Grant Hill hoopers, Barry Sanders runners, stunners” – Royce. At first I was mad at various other Michigan rappers (ahem, GUILTY S.) for not mentioning their home team in verse, but then I realized that the Lions were terrrrrrrible during most of those guys’ young-man-hood. You’re forgiven, gentlemen. • “Like chocolate candy you will break/Running back, Detroit Lions, with an ill fake” – Keith, in Ultramag’s “Super Spellbound.”