Category Archives: Girlyness

I AM SUCH A GIRL (“album promo brings tears to my eyes” edition)

KEN-DRICK!

Here we go, a little emotion on a Sunday morning flowing through my girly brain, courtesy of RapRadar posting this video of Kendrick Lamar’s show last night at the Music Box. Ken’s komrade Game showed up for R.E.D. album promo  moral support of course, and proceeded to konvince me that he’s a pretty nice guy – which is basically a big manipulation tactic by Game to make me forget about his musical output and that time he seared my eyes with his “acting.” But I’m relaxed. I’m just going with it. It’s Sunday and I’m not religious but I do pray for peace, no traffic accidents, lots of ice cream, some freaking tight lyrics – and also for things that remind me of how lovely humanity can be sometimes. On with it, then –

Top 5 emotional girly moments in the video, Cuz! (my set affiliations will likely fluctuate throughout this post, and anyway it doesn’t matter because at this point green is the most important color in all our lives, yes?):


1. THAT SUIT. So much hash-tag-ery occurring in the building on Saturday night, of course, but also so many Hundreds shirts, I’m sure of it! SO MANY. And yet look at KL in his nice black jeans and sport coat, dressed as if he’s going to a completely different function than everyone else. “It’s Saturday night, you’ll probably wear that shit to church,” AMG said one time to a young lady in the club. Ken’s show was Friday night, plus he seems like a super clean dude who doesn’t wear things more than once, I mean he really keeps it tight and right, so he’ll probably wear that outfit just for this show alone. Then tomorrow he’ll have it cleaned and nicely pressed. Looking good, sir. And I know I keep saying it but Kendrick Lamar is just a really fresh name. You should run for President with that name, young man.  


2. REMINDERS FROM JAYCEON. I know where I live, both because I have an adequate grasp of geography and because I listen to Power 106 for a good 70% of my driving time and that means constant “west coast/Cali/LA” drops are flooding the inside of my Civic, however: Game saying THIS IS THE MOTHERFUCKIN WEST COAST in that nice rasp of his (sorry; I’m a girl, remember?) and continuing with I hate when they say that the west coast ain’t poppin just feels good to a young lady from the greater LA metropolitan area. I know my mom loves me but it’s still nice to hear it from her. I know I’m a nice person but it’s still nice to hear it from my buddies. On a very similar note: OH MY GOODNESS, GAME! YAY! This IS the west coast! I exclaim. Oh Game, I hate it when they say the west coast ain’t poppin too! We agree about some things and that is nice! I like some of your songs even though my blog would tell you otherwise!

(tomorrow morning I’ll wake up and be embarrassed I wrote those last 2 things. I like the Scoop DeVille stuff, and I like that “Red Nation” but, I must be honest with myself, that’s more because of the Eazy snippet and because of Cool & Dre’s dexterity with shuffle-y drum programming than because of anything Game said or did in any of those songs. Ah well.)
3. I LOVE YOUS FROM JAYCEON. “I love you,” Game says to Kendrick, with his arm around him in that way that men do – affectionate but still keeping the body in a guarded position should a scrap occur even though you know a scrap’s not going to occur, it’s just that men have to make it look that way because of the limits put on them by our culture when they want to express emotion. “Dre, I love you. Snoop, I love you. Jay Rock, Scoop, Kurupt, Roscoe, King Tee, Pooh, Eiht, Tyson Chandler, Venus and Serena. Even if you’re from Lynwood or Willowbrook, I love you. Skinny-lady blogs, I love you most of all. Apartment 680, Echo Park, birds in the sky, old records, the NFL about to start, cookies, ice cream, puppies. Logan, I love you. I love you – all of you.” Aww! Hold me! It’s promo, all promo, but it’s still heartwarming – like when Game volunteered at the animal shelter last week and provided updates about it, remember? “Sparky is a lab mix and has the nicest big brown eyes. ALL ANIMALS deserve good homes! ADOPT!  #REDAlbum.”

4. PUNS FROM JAYCEON. “One thing me and (Ken) got in COMPTON…” Teehee. 

5. SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY DANTE, WHAT IN THE FUCK. Kendrick’s a little too preachy at times, dropping some important historical names in verse without any real gravity behind it, criticizing his generation for sippin cough syrup like it’s water, blah blah, but he just turned 24 so that’s forgivable. (I was a realll pretentious piece of work at that age.) “Who gives a fuck?” Ken also says, “We never do listen unless it comes with an 808.” Not sure if I’m included in the “we” but just for argument’s sake, let’s say I am – and Kendrick, my dear, what’s your point? 808 taught me everything I need to know about car stereos and sex. But holy Christ, fucking hell, Mos Def is at his show in a sharp red button-up and shiny shoes, oh I just realized Mos is the only other dude in the place going to the same fancy function as Ken, I mean they’re in those matching sport coats, and people, my affection for these two men in this moment trumps all. (This is the video’s second-greatest moment – almost as aww-inducing as the crowd chanting Ken’s name at the beginning, but not quite).


Bonus emotion: The part in the video right after it cuts out, when Ken tosses it to Kurupt and he does a version of “Ohh!” that makes everyone in the audience rip their hair out and scream, it’s so incredible they can’t believe it’s actually happening.

Bonus bonus emotion (not really emotion, though – just a funny thing that fits in here): Nobody is apparently down-er than the Los Angeles Almanac, the website on which this map of Compton appears. CITY IN RED BELOW, SOO WOOOO, etc. etc. 

 (No color added for emphasis. Nothing added for emphasis. The LA Almanac just knows).

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Pull up in your town, when you see me you know everything

green and yellow green and yellow, green and yellow green and yellow.
Katherine Ann Moss for Longchamp. This outfit is probably cop catnip but I don’t care.

June Gardner (Sam Cooke’s drummer!) – “Mustard Greens.” Because a girl can’t walk down the street wearing a dress and feeling the sun on her skin to “For Kate I Wait.”

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If you expect me to believe Eminem drives a Chrysler you are stone crazy but listen, I got some white and some syrup, I’m tryin to sew up my town.


I just made a nice cotton dress with my own two hands and my sewing machine, and I decided to honor Pimp C with the title post. (Sorry, “Snitches Get Stitches”; you never had a chance)

Patti Jo – “Make Me Believe In You.” I thought about posting a song about sewing, or thread, or even completing a project. But in the end it came down, like always, to the old “walking down the street in a cotton dress” bass-drenched song with sassy female vocal, and this one probably has top 10 status in my heart. Not one note is sung ’til the first 2 and a half minutes go by, and it was written by Curtis Mayfield (you can tell when you hear those lyrics and get a feel for it, the whole vocal phrasing), and it makes me want to curl up in a ball because the universe is so wonderful sometimes I can’t take it. Don’t worry–I’ll delicately arrange my dress before curling up so nothing inappropriate is seen. Hi Mom!

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Wide hips, baller kits, chrome dipped, wearing blue kicks.


I don’t kick it with no rappers; they be hustling backwards, the current (ha) king of my heart said. I’m a lone wolf (albeit a shy dorky lone wolf) so I hardly kick it with anybody anyway, but: I retreat within myself especially hard when there’s no news about Doom or anybody in the Wu pantheon and all the bad rappers just call radio shows and get booked for stupid things, or sometimes it’s the other way around, but in either case it keeps them in the 24-hour blogpost cycle but doesn’t contribute anything worthwhile to my psyche. Odd Future being on Jimmy Fallon gives me a funny feeling too–I need to reconcile my feelings about fame, like Cobain up until the very end. The 13-year-old in me hates that anybody except me and 3 other people have heard of Ty and Hodge and my beauuuuutiful underaged girlfriend Syd, but then I think Good for them, a ragtag bunch of young geniuses spreading the gospel. It’s all too much, can’t take the overload of unnecessary rapfacts and complicated emotions, so I just sew in apt. 15, cute outfits all day son, and mix in a record store trip sometimes. That thing about Luke running for mayor of Miami is rather amusing, though.

“Bambi Goes to Coachella” is the photo-inspiration file on my C drive (Bambi is a stripper/librarian with a master’s degree, an incredible record collection, and a Ghostface doll on her shelf, and cops always holler at her but she hates it). I have some version of each of the outfits below, but I have to proceed with caution when it comes to the real world–I am struck all the time by the fact that hips make everything a little sluttier. I got the skinny legs and that’s pretty OK when it comes to fashion rules, but anything round and soft as you move up the female frame is pushed aside by Elle. No fair. What if I don’t want to do Low Rider? (And you know, Curren$y has that song called “Fashionably Late,” so I kind of had to do this.)






top-bottom:
my new retrobeautiful girlfriend whose style I intend to successfully jack, Jaimie Alexander (
Vanity Fair, Dec. 2010, Don Flood)
Clemence Poesy (
Marie Claire US, Feb. 2011, Tesh)
Constance Jablonski (
Vogue Spain, Feb. 2011, Alex Cayley)
Mona Johanesson (JC Jeans, Norway)
Paolla Rahmeier (
Marie Claire Brazil, Oct. 2010, Jacques Dequeker)

Bo Diddley – “Pretty Thing.”

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Like to let her hair down when the sky gets sunny*.

(*you rack your brain for lyrics about ladies and half the songs are actually about cars.)

Georgia May Jagger proves that if you are 5’7” (model stats; it means she’s actually 5’5 1/2”) and blonde-highlighted, life is perfect. Lounge-y. Sunshiny. (like old OutKast instrumentals). If it weren’t for SWINE, that is.

Meet

me

on

the

fresh

train.



I love it all, this whole spread. And I have versions of everything here in my closet, except for that button-up Dior up there, which I wish I had because I would certainly wear it, shoulder ties and all. It’s cop catnip, though. Cops love me. My style of dress. My good posture. My skinny body, I guess. Thus, How can I continue to dress like this while keeping cops away is the most important topic in my life right now. I need help with it, like understanding Talib getting a distribution assist from Duck Down (???!?) and how to get Doomsy on as a keynote speaker at the next TED conference. Cops, they love me and I do not care for it (unless he’s a cool cop, the ones that only exist in movies, a realllll loose cannon with a fucking sweet car and a King Kong-sized ego like detective Alonzo Harris–call me!–or one who gets caught up like Brasco–CALL ME–or even Mr. Orange ’cause he kind of had a good heart plus he was a great storyteller).

There has to be some answer here. I would like to continue to be a dress-up babydoll, but I do not want to be visually patted-down by police officers every day when I get my coffee. (I live in the Rampart division and I work downtown, so what do you expect–the Starbucks at 2nd and Central is particularly thick with them) This is not my most organized set of sentences but basically what I mean to say is that just because that lady in line behind you is wearing some nice white linen shorts and an oxford shirt doesn’t mean she doesn’t prowl the Internet daily for new Curren$y stuff and old Dilla stuff. You and your stereotypes, I swear.

“Spottieottie” instro. Ha, see, ’cause they’re from Georgia.

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Wait a motherfucking minute, true facts presented.


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5 facts:

1. Things I would die without: the snare drum, Sennheiser headphones, Doom’s lyrics, stripper/librarian heels. Or I could just say “Stimulation in various forms, stimulation all day and night, and yet somehow soothing at the same time” and you’d know what I mean, you’d clearly realize how that’s a list comprised of snares and headphones plus ten thousand other things too. Stripper/librarian heels are the focus today, though. The ones above are called “Peep Show,” and I needed them so I bought them. (I would have died without them.)

Lately my life has been a whole lot of driving around town listening to Power 106 and old Kool Keith, dealing with grouchy people, and this frequent uneasiness, this strong feeling like I need more impractical footwear. As illustrated by the photos above, all those radio plays of “Throw it in the Bag” had their intended effect–THANKS, LOSO–except in my life’s version I play the role of both the kept woman and the keeper of the woman since I buy my own heels, which is obviously what Steinem had in mind for me as a postpostpostfeminist human. Sorry, Gloria. I’m I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T, though, do you know what that means? DO YOU? I cook, I clean, I never smell like onion rings. Somethingsomething, flat-screen TV, good credit, blah blah.


That ankle strap is what sold me, lookin like one of Saturn’s rings. Just look at that ankle strap, darling. Phillip Lim, child of immigrants, Kanye-approved designer, yet somehow still Logan-approved designer, has crafted these for the discerning stripper/librarian in your life. They are 5-inch-heeled mary janes of Italian leather, a deep red shade that Barneys calls “bordeaux,” which recalls, I don’t know, the grapes in my backyard vineyard that I lovingly tend before I go to the library in the morning and that I lovingly tend when I return from Magic City at night?

Phillip thinks he disappointed his parents, who came from Cambodia and wanted him to be a doctor. They don’t understand fashion, because, really, what’s to understand. Frivolity and sex and overspending. Grand folly. Lack of practicality (teetering around on 5-inch spindles shortens calf muscles), but good-looking and well-crafted things for the body. Kanye-approved shoes on Barbie doll label princesses who have master’s degrees and nerdy blogs. “I’m shoppin right now, my ass off/You home writin some bullshit literature,” Kool Keith said. Dude I can do both, though. I can do both, Mr. Thornton. That ankle strap represents my life’s constant duality–the Dewey Decimal System and Toomp beats, new glasses (finally) and a thousand bathing suits. Before setting my alarm to wake me up to some Waka in the morning, I read every night in bed. There are Chanel and Diane von Furstenberg ads among the poems and essays in the Paris Review. Also contained therein is a story about Brazilian jiujitsu, an art form that teaches that a small and weak person can suddenly turn into something like a big and strong person using proper technique and leverage. The pleasures of duality, that’s the point I’m trying to make here. Oh and have I mentioned that ANKLE STRAP. Take another look and then tell me I shouldn’t have bought em.

Things I don’t believe in: shooting stars. Things I believe in: shoes, cars.

In daydreams my American Gangster character is Eva, Miss Puerto Rico, who loves Frank at the beginning, and she especially loves her idea of who Frank is (classic Logan), and then 2 months into their marriage she finds herself on her knees, scrubbing blood out of the alpaca rug* and he’s screaming at her and she’s thinking Fuck what did I get myself into. That’s probably my fate, given my taste for masculinity topped off with smarts and a strong commitment to hustlenomics and an adeptness at charming my pants off (or my dress off, as the case may be, or even my black-shorts-and-Boy-Scout-belt-and-stripper/librarian-heels get-up).

In life I am the good girl.
Even in daydreams I am the good girl. But these make me feel like I’m Ginger in Casino. At the beginning, you knowpre-haircut, pre-tailspin. Throwing the chips in the air, moving in slow motion. She wanted to stay hustling her little heart but Ace insisted on bribing her into wifehood and momhood. Wives and moms are boring, though. Remember how Malice said I even went by the book at first/Until I realized 9 to 5 wouldn’t quench my thirst. In response, I believe Ginger would say Sounds about right.

* “That’s $25,000 alpaca!” Frank yells, “You blot that shit!”
Yeah yeah, club soda. Sorry, Frank.

2. The ignition switch in our bodies helps spot and treat cancer. Fine, lovely, good job science and scientists, but my ignition switch can spot (and only responds to) honey-voiced Chicago singers with possible latent homosexual tendencies who are always struggling with that ol‘ divine v. secular tug of war. The demands of the heavenly v. those of the flesh. (Fleshly delights usually win; I hope I didn’t give that one away for you all.) There was this one time I met this dude, he was all up in my grill/tryna get me to a-ho a-tellll and I liked his honesty and especially the way he pronounced “hotel,” there was food everywhere; it was fantastic. My uh, engine revved. Except he wore Celtics gear, which was hard for me to wrap my head around.
3. Waka can really sometimes sound like an upper-register Rick Ross, voice-wise. By that I mean Rawwsss 15 years and 100 lbs ago, but they both have that raspy thing occurring in their vocal chords. “Knock Em Down” is this new song by something called Grafh featuring Waka but Grafh should know that when you put Waka on the hook all the girls are going to focus on Waka in their blog posts about that new Grafh song. Grafh’s only noteworthy moment is at 01:19–“I’m a rock chopper, with a straight razor/And I’m the type to kick your daddy in the pacemaker.” Cardiac-regulation-equipment raps are good, and they’re funny. But oh, Waka! He has power. He makes me claim FETTI GANG a couple times a day. Waka can end a verse by hollering his own name (03:48). And he’s somebody who can claim the states of both Georgia and New York, which is the rap equivalent of being a dually-skilled athlete. Brag rights.

4. “Oh Word” was my cutesy etymology feature that I used to do all the time on here. Bikini enthusiasts didn’t care for it, but I loved it. It’s back today, and the word is SNARE.

snare.
“noose for catching animals,” c.1100, from O.N. snara “noose, snare,” related to soenri, “twisted rope,” from P.Gmc. snarkho (cf. M.Du. snare, Du. snaar, O.H.G. snare, Ger. Schnur “noose, cord”).

snare (2).
“string across a drum,” 1680s, probably from Du. snaar “string,” from same source as snare, above.

The appropriateness of this word’s origin is startling and dope. Jabo Starks, Uriel Jones, Jimmy Diamond from the Ohio Players. Zigaboo from the Meters. They’ve caught me–ensnared me, really–in their respective drumkit nets.
5. I used to do my Lesbatronic Moment” feature a while ago too, which bikini enthusiasts really liked a lot. I should show you the emails. On a related note, fact #5 for today is: Claudia Cardinale. She exists. But is she the stripper or the librarian? Ginger or Eva? Or is she both, a perfect combination of the two, like the woman I hope to be one day? I like Claudia’s features, and I have fondness for her based on the similarities I imagine we share. If you have big brown eyes people treat you like the good girl; once they see you have those hips they start to make a playlist for you of Drumma Boy’s greatest hits so you can hand it to the DJ when you take Stage 2 at Magic City. Duality.

Bonus fact (6): “The only person who never got ejected from an NBA game was Jesus.”Ronald W. Artest, Jr., who would know, obviously. Ron the lovable badass is everywhere except inside the perimeter these days. Still love him, though. I love kittens and “6’7”” too, because I’m only human after all.

What can I do at this point other than say They try to Ron Artest me/They gon have to arrest me, in Gucci’s words (I had to quote him here due to my Brick Squad and Fetti Gang affiliations). I still keep it Berkeley too, though (I feel like Ron Artest/Championship swag).

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Sometimes I’m such a girl.

Televised competitions of sport and strategy can be a pretty incredible thing.

Above: Bob Huggins (affectionately called “Huggy” in apt. 15) dirties up his nice suit and crouches and consoles in front of millions, thereby making me tear up in my tiny Los Angeles home yesterday. Obviously it’s chic to hate Duke, so I was already a Huggins groupie, but uncalculated acts of care between men representing the fine state of West Virginia suddenly and without warning make me a proud, red-blooded Mountaineer. I gave myself a little hug and held my breath and didn’t once think of a Redman song (Da’Sean Butler is from New Jersey, I hear). PS, Da’Sean Butler. You’re 20 years old and your ACL has just painfully informed you your whole life trajectory will change. Just how deep can shit get, you know?

And thus I have created the first post in my life that can accurately be tagged with both “Girlyness” AND “A tomboy moment.”

Darron Cummings/ AP photo / April 3, 2010. West Virginia coach Bob Huggins consoles forward Da’Sean Butler after he injured his knee in the second half against Duke.

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Go ahead and smile, you old grouch you.

No dark sarcasm in the classroom with these kids ’cause they’re too busy making me bawl and clutch my hands together and cry out with joy over their vocal stylings. I got that familiar ol‘ lump in the throat that hasn’t been this intense since that week the Saints won, I first saw that Google commercial, and I realized all my favorite rappers are deceased. Oh dear.

I thought I had grown tired of Phoenix, so it’s quite a feat the way the PS 22 Chorus is punching me in my emotional center, appealing to my girly sensibilities and fondness for children and organized singing, and making me love this song even though Phoenix are dullsville and over-playedsville thanks to being on constant rotation at Forever 21 (where, coincidentally, there’s this butterfly dress I need to complete my life and make me feel like my time here hasn’t been a big waste. Size S. So girly and pretty. Gimme. Thanks in advance, baller.)

Anyway, press play! You’re not any less of a man if you get a little teary-eyed over this one, promise.

The future Jeopardy! champ in me also feels it’s important to add the tangential fact that the film Lisztomania was the first to use Dolby Sound (so says my sometimes-enjoyable-but-rarely-dependable boyfriend Wikipedia.)

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Still hittin them corners in them low low’s, gurrrl


Guess who’s back?

– Dre*, Scarface, Tupac, actually every rapper after a 4-to-6-month hiatus,

and ME! of course, once I’ve moved into my tiny tiny apartment home. I dragged and lifted and packed and worked and I’m pretty sure that’s not the kind of work all the MCs from Georgia on my radio are talking about, but the shit was still work. Missed you; did you miss me?

The terms of my collective bargaining agreement stipulate that I may take a period of time off at specified intervals for rest and recuperation and reflection. I have just concluded one such interval, so: America, here I come! GAME FACE. Let me just jump right back into thangs with some music history nerdery that few apart from myself care about:

This day in 1967, The Supremes recorded “Reflections,” which was the greatest song about reflected imagery in popular music until Slick Rick looked at himself in the mirror in ’85 and asked Who is the top choice of them all?, then Soulja Boy did the same thing in ’08 only he said Wassup. (Then he got money. Then Jeezy made it stay in my brain for weeks after I heard it. You’re rude, Jeezy.)

Diana Ross and her unspectacular voice plus Holland Dozier Holland on the boards means happy times in apt. 15. “Stoned Love” is superior, obviously, I mean those horns, c’mon, but “Reflections” has oscillating sequined tambourine loveliness in go-go boots and is suitable for choreographed dance moves in your tiny apartment plus it means I can post a bunch of pictures of people looking into mirrors. Also, you should play this, loudly, in your motor vehicle. Roll up on dubs, I’m not impressed. Prowl the streets in your Maxima with a head tilt and an appreciation for the Funk Brothers, however, I would probably let you kiss me. On the cheek, since we barely know each other. Plus I’ll let you touch my booty (a little, then I’ll push your hand away ’cause I’m so demure).


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James.

Bon.

Morris.

Ahmir.

Lo.
(My mother calls this the “Bambi Face,” no doubt a reference to my cervine quickness and agility.)

*Musical assist courtesy of Andre Young; he’s sorta like my personal Max Weinberg. Thx, Dre.

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The piano that’s so simple and so menacing, the way that I can make myself forget that Storch produced it, the fact that you can tell Jay-Z had a hand in writing it (this is not Dre’s cadence. Sorry, Dre)–I LOVE THIS SONG. And I love all those Training Day cops who I’d want to kick it with in real life probably (this only happens in fiction of the cinematic kind; otherwise cops and I will never ever kick it), I love Denzel’s Monte Carlo, I love Eva Mendes’ rust-colored wrap dress when she brings Salvadoran food out to Hoyt. I am still not loving that this song is from the album 2001 which was released in, um, 1999. (Oh, sorry. 95 plus 4 pennies.).

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Play your part. Play your part.

You know I

thug em, fuck em, love em, leave em,
’cause I don’t fuckin need em…

Just jokin – I do need ’em!
Ah love, sweet love! Happy Valentimes! Let’s all make out, sext each other, discuss the qualities in a lady that make you want to wife her (it’s hips and musical knowledge, silly) and listen to
“Let’s Do It Again” and every Stevie Wonder record pre-1981. Then maybe a special sex thing that we only bust out 3 or 4 times a year. Also, ice cream! It’s 76 beautiful degrees out today.

I do not care for fake holidays courtesy of Hallmark, Inc, but I do like sweet things and romantical things and I do like a fake holiday if that holiday provides a crucial link between Ralph Wiggum and the bawsses of the Gulf Coast, plus Andre Benjamin in a kilt talkin bout not wanting to be an old man sitting on his porch alone. Aw. Last summer I got so mad at Pitchfork when they didn’t put “Int’l Players Anthem” high enough on one of their many, many lists (so many lists, that site. Jesus.), then I realized, oh wait, fuck Pitchfork/who cares/sometimes I get too heated about things and it’s bad for my blood pressure. I’ve calmed down some. Hit it, Willie.

Willie Hutch – “I Choose You.”

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