Category Archives: I hate so you don’t have to

Pusha T and Malice been gettin high off they own supply

Something like a phenomenon, baby!

Clipse Call Themselves ‘Best Duo Ever’,
have vision dreams of passion.”
“Gucci Chuck Taylor with the dragon on the side,
Wamp wamp,
Trust, I know them twenty’s real well, and
we’re the best duo EV-ERRR.”

They breed some real comedians out there in Virginia! What I have to say about this is what you would expect me to say about this, so I shall let the musical superheroes in my life do all the talking and express my thoughts and/or feelings about this unfortunate incident:

When reached for comment,

Eric B & Rakim,
Erick & Parrish,
Mos & Kweli,
Kool G & Polo,
Monch & Po,
Prodigy & Havoc,
Bun B & Pimp C,
Guru & Premier,
KRS & Scott, and
Big Boi & Andre

all said the exact same thing, which was, “What the fuck?”
followed by uproarious laughter. A good time was had by all.

Then Malice and Pusha told that one about the guy from Nantucket, and then the one about the priest and the rabbi, and then asked if we knew why the chicken crossed the road.

Annnnd scene.

(PS, they didn’t even say best hip-hop duo…they said best DUO, which takes it to next levels of delusion. Aw, confused and grandiose mic-wielding brothers from Virginia are so adorable! Dear following epic duos, Malice and Pusha would like you to please see yourselves out: Quincy & Michael, Tyson & D’Amato, Magic & Kareem, Marley & Tosh, Slash & Axl, Tiger & a 9-iron, Stevie & a keyboard, me & hips, me & music nerdery, me & general nerdery.)

Dudes I do not know but hate nonetheless.

1. THIS guy.

That’s his collection. Of cassette tapes. Of Wu and Cypress and Joy Division and old KDAY shows. That he’s GIVING AWAY. Because he just had a lobotomy and/or hates himself.

2. And THIS guy.

on Hannity’s latest white-man roundtable discussion, via Deadspin:

This is what scares me about President Obama…he’s creating a foundation from which he must lead from, and that foundation does not have the same character traits that have made this nation great…(including) standing up for what is right.

Jay Feely, I must pull you aside and inform you that you’re off my Fantasy team. Oh wait, you were never on it, but still. You are currently on Republican/D-Bag Reserve and I don’t see you being healthy/non-Republican enough to play for my squad in the near or distant future.


Per his Twitter bio, he’s “Kicker for the New York Jets, 9 yrs in NFL, Husband, Father of 4, golfing fanatic, fishermen, Christian, with political aspirations.”
(He left out “SuperHater of Current Black Presidents.”
)

OK, let’s break it down. Dear Jay,

1) Fishermen is plural, dun. You are but one man.
2) Sporadic capitalization is not cute, dun.
3) “Political aspirations.” Yes, definitely–but you should wait to pursue this until you’re done performing your current job of using your foot to forcefully project a ball between goalposts on Sunday afternoons at the Meadowlands.

(Also, his location according to Twitter is “Florida/New York/Michigan”; a valiant effort, Jay, but far inferior to my own holy trinity of whereabouts–Marcy Projects/the trap/K-Town. You should probably sit this one out, buddy.)


Episode 652: the one where I overreact to Nas’s lack of originality because I expect every word emanating from him to be creative and brilliant.


The versatile, honey-stickin, wild golden child who’s currently embroiled in messy divorce proceedings has a blog on on my future ex-non-sexual boyfriend Russell’s site and decided to do an impression of a 4th grader reciting an essay called, “Why Dads Are Great” in Mrs. Taylor’s class.

Some are great role models with real academic achievements. Some are not. Some are no longer alive. Some fathers are locked up, but they are praying for their kids and hoping to be on the streets soon and be better dads 1 day.

We deserve the love!!! Becuz we don’t even expect it, we do what we do regardless! With no signs of a reward for it. We put up with everything, standing true to what’s real and letting life take its course protecting our household, our woman, our children, our family. Protecting and leading a nation. Shout out to my pops, a great man! Blessings to our granddads who came b4 us who laid the seeds and the foundation….I wish every dad takes a minute to look at what’s he’s done…just a minute…No need to glance too long.. Just smile.

For a minute there, when they said this essay was penned by an MC named Nas, I thought this essay was penned by that one dude they used to call Nasty Nas–Nasir Jones, Superhero from Queens, Wordsmith Extraordinaire. Because, really, I’m not so naive that I can be led to believe that the dude who wrote

when I was twelve, I went to hell for snuffin Jesus

and can paint scenes with his verb-ery like


on the corner, bettin Grants with the cee-lo champs
laughin at baseheads, tryin to sell some broken amps

is the same dude who writes in a super text-message-y-13-year-old-girl way (“b4,” ‘becuz”) and presents us with the cliche-ridden composition above. “Some fathers are great role models, and some aren’t.” This has been today’s edition of NO FUCKING WAY.

I refuse to believe it. Nas would not break my little language-nerd heart in such a blatant fashion. How could Nas be garbage?

Eskay tries to annoy me to an inappropriate degree, succeeds

OH LOOK, they had so much fun during the first “Dudes Who Will Not Be Seeing Logan Naked” Convention that they decided to do it bigger & deffer the second time around:

The mind reels at the stuntery and unabashed wackness depicted above; I’m not sure where to begin. Let me just say NICE JERSEY, Morrisville.
#33. Bird. Of course. Of course.
Mother fuck gentrification.

OH ASHHH, even your jersey selection game is the opposite of tight! Take me to new heights of wackery and don’t you dare stop! Pack it up/pack it in, cuz the only acceptable options in NBA Caucasoid Jersey family are McHale, Laimbeer, West and Maravich (the BAWSS).

I go to NahRight twice/thrice daily and I am gradually learning that you ain’t hip-hop in oh-nine unless you know the latest in Joe and Tahiry’s 10th-grade-style love affair and Ash Roth’s kleptomaniacal tendencies and fondness for slippers. Word life. Thanks, Eskay*!

* Stop it, Eskay

And also–
This one isn’t really his fault cuz he’s just the messenger, but I must deduct points from Eskay’s overall score for injuring my hip-hop nerd soul by posting the news that there is now an “Uptown Anthem Pt. II.” Aw damn, see, and I was having a perfectly nice Friday until now.

There’s already 1 Naughty anthem in my world, it comes from a magical, happy land called Hip-Hop From 1992, and it sustains me and makes me whole. Please leave it be.




We gonna break, we gonna bash, we gonna roll, we gonna smash.

Ummmm except that you are not breaking, bashing, rolling, or smashing when you try to revisit perfection and prevent the past from living in a dignified manner by putting your hands in it again and dirtying it all up. Classic perfect ’90s hip-hop song do-overs will slowly kill me if you people do not stop it. This is what it sounds like when doves cry.

The gravity of the situation compels me to bring this up with Treach at the show.
“When you pull stunts like this,” I’ll tell him in a sassy tone, “I might have to alert Radames to the situation and you will be sufficiently dealt with for bringing shame upon the crew.”

No matter where you go, there you are.


Hating with flair & enthusiasm: Dude Who Is Bored With Amazing Hip-Hop Duo edition

Reggie + Clifford = win for all involved, except for when there’s hating in the general vicinity.

Superhater for May ’09 award goes to you, Dude Sitting In Chair in video below, reading periodical of some sort, absorbed in periodical, while Reg and Cliff are live and in person and being hilarious and amazing about 10 feet from you. I believe it was the late, great Christopher Wallace who encouraged me to “spread love/it’s the Brooklyn way,” but umm, he gave me special permission to openly share that I hate you, sir.

Additional comedy from Brick Citaay below.
PS, for what purpose does the Iron Lung need a wine corkscrew? (and no, it’s not for wine) Somebody inform me, post haste.

I would also like to submit that if you create a series called Jumpoff TV but you do not alert me to this situation and then have me make some sort of appearance as the official, contractually bound jumpoff, that is not appropriate and I’ll thank you to act right in the future. That’s like making something called Terrible, Wack Person TV and not inviting Ash.



Hating with flair & enthusiasm: female anti-choice UCLA student edition

THIS “LILA ROSE” HUMAN IS QUITE A PROBLEM FOR ME.

I can’t get through the weekend without some scary Jesus monster showing up in my LA Times?

What we have here is the unfortunately named Lila Rose, a nice Christian girl who has been compelled by her lord and savior to infiltrate Planned Parenthood clinics and pose as an underage girl trying to get an abortion. She tells the nurses there that her boyfriend is 31, nurses flip out–vocal alarm, head in hands–and

Ms. Rose, please see yourself out. After you’ve gone out and experienced the big world and had a few sexytime sessions, you’ll realize that having control over your own body and fertility is something that you will hold close and cherish and not want to give up. Nobody has an abortion for fun, k, thanks, bye.

Many young people today have hobbies; I, for example, like records and bathing suits and blogging. Go embark on that Christian singing career, find yourself a man to make miserable with your prudish sexual ways, and leave me and my uterus alone, pretty please.

Big scary gay hurricane a-comin’

Umm “National Organization for Marriage” (ha!), I’m not 100% in love with your tone right now.

They’re talking about the fact that God doesn’t like it when people with the same sexual parts join each other in a mutually loving and respectful union. God cares about these things, obvs. He’s got nothing better to do, or to think about.

But they’re also talking about Barry O’s Jesus-hating administration stomping all over their right to deny people quality medical care because the invisible man in the sky told ’em to. Perhaps a career other than medicine would’ve been a better choice for you then, hm? Let’s think it through next time, yeah.

“Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own (will), is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness…” – Apostle Paul.

The morons in the video above have amended this statement, clarifying for us all that love can only take place when there is a penis and a vagina present.

UGH. Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right. Hold me, the Jesus monsters are scary.

In conclusion…fuck off, Damon Owens. (Sorry, that’s not ladylike. But good grief.)

Things I do not care for, 03/30/09

1. Joe Blogger posting the saaame thangs as every other site. Recent examples of this include:

The new ____________ video (Gucci, Meth/Red, Jeezy).

Kid Cudi’s non-retirement.

KanYe & Amber Rose.

“Where the Wild Things Are” trailer.

Originality is the only technique to be sweated right now.
I hope we don’t have to have this conversation again.

2. Bill O. and his raging self-involvement and idiocy. (Still, after all these years! It’s a classic!)

3. This atrocity. Sign o’ the times, mess with my mind.
I do not care for an Auto-Tuned Prince Rogers Nelson. I’m scared; hold me until the hurt goes away.