Category Archives: Please please please let me get what I want

Very Good Plus.

Aya is the landlady at my home, apt. 680. She did not give this to me because she has a crush on me and admires how I’m thicker than a Violent Femmes bassline; rather, she did it to “welcome me to the building.” Also, I’m pretty sure she wants to take a shower with me. To welcome me to the building.

I take a photo of her gift, and almost caption it KEEPING IT 100 before I come to my senses. My god, that was a close one.

I sport a t-shirt tribute to my second-favorite human with a dollar sign in his name.
I wait and hope and wait for a Curren$y tribute song to Jason Terry.
Neither of these events seems as important to others as they are to me. Story of my life.

2 weeks ago: the new way for me to entertain myself becomes listening to Curren$y talk about different denominations of bills over an old soul record. Five dollars, one dollar, six dollars for a plate, a lady needed a dollar, but guess what, Curren$y didn’t have a dollar, he had a $10 bill. WHATEVS DUDE JUST KEEP TALKING IN YOUR SYRUPY ACCENT WHILE I CLOSE MAH EYES AND LISTENNNNN.

The weeks fly by. I’m still thinking about him and his denominations-of-money story and that song over which he told the story. I cherish my gift certificate, worth a large denomination. I daydream at work about what I’m going to buy with it. There are so many choices. I also learn that Curren$y’s an Alpha (hence the handsign). Nice hat, by the way. Hey, what does Ghosty call dudes who shop on Fairfax? SUPREME CLIENTELE. Unrelated: I also realize that only 1 letter separates dope friends from dope fiends. I wonder if I get an American flag bikini like I’ve been craving, is it a tribute to blind gross jingoism, or a nod to Jasper Johns. This is a typical daydream pattern for me while at work, thank you.

I find the song! You still with me?

Even better, I find the song in real life*!
(*online, in round black acetate form, suitable for purchase)

“New”/”still sealed”! This throws me off, as people using quotations for emphasis always does. It makes everything sound fake, or like a joke. Air quotes.

Wiz has a “sick flow.”

I “don’t” spend too much time pondering the poststructuralist use of language in rap songs.

Nice to meet you, Logan. I’m a cop, and I’d like to “help you find the person who broke into your car.”
(have sex with you)

I also find that other record with the break for that other song online. I don’t rap on beats; I spit pictures, Curren$y says. God I love him. It too is ready for purchase. And shipping. To apt. 680, where I live. Upstairs from the landlady who has a crush on me. Curren$y Currently the search is on for either, or both, Curren$y breaks. Gang, that settles it. I’ll see you at Amoeba this weekend (after a shower with the manager).


Am I a bad person because I like that Weezy/Game song more than I should and that Lil B/Grae/Phonte song less than I should?

God no! I’m a bad person because I crave material goods and I want all these things for my birthday.

That picture of James Baldwin and Nina Simone.

Roberto Bolaño, The Return.

Curren$y, now rather than later. Make it happen, tiger.

Derek Lam’s ram-head-clasp bag. Because, you see, Aries is my sign, I know that I can rhyme. Sometimes I rhyme in wiggles, plus I make the honeys wiggle.

Soft furry pelts and boots, and a room that’s sunny all the time–and empty except for a bed. Apartment 15 simply doesn’t have the room.

My ideal man gets me cruelty-free fur and lets me be Frank Lucas’ side piece in my spare time. Here’s Diane Kruger, livin the dream.

Bobby Womack – “Across 110th Street.” Just found out Bobby’s got a brother named Friendly and that’s real funny, ’cause friendly is what I’d like to get with some sheets and fur in a room that’s sunny all the time (and empty except for a bed).



Zip it, Joan.

When we start deceiving ourselves into thinking not that we want something or need something, not that it is a pragmatic necessity for us to have it, but that it is a moral imperative that we have it, then is when we join the fashionable madmen, and then is when the thin whine of hysteria is heard in the land, and then is when we are in bad trouble.

Joan Didion.

Fast cash should be the last resort so make it last for the risk you took
Trick, you shook your ass for some hundred dollar heels and a designer bag
Now that’s ass backwards
All you got in the refrigertator is bratwurst.

You too, Big Boi.

L-R: Elephant’s Memory “Mongoose” 12″/Button kneesocks, Topshop/Small leather tote, several-years-old Miu Miu/Hooker librarian Mary Janes, 3.1 Philip Lim/Anita Bag, Alexander Wang/Whole ensemble, Free People/The Fatback Band “Put Your Love in My Tender Care” 7″/Sheer gray dress, Topshop.

I heard this was chopped & beautifully reconfigured by Premier for Gangstarr’s “Lovesick.” Initially this was confusing, since you hear no trace of “Lovesick” above. Then I heard it was used in something called the “Upbeat Mix,” from the 7″ released in the UK. Aha. I guess Chrysalis would think to release an upbeat mix of a song called “Lovesick” for the British, both because they are a dour people and because their sense of humor is more subtle and refined than ours.


Obviously my squad won but more importantly

HOW do I get my soft and dainty hands on that Andre version of “All Together Now”? I need it, and then I need to assemble a group of individuals to come to my apartment and listen to the song with me and enjoy it without irony. (This should all happen without the expressed written consent of Nike, Inc., so get me an illegal copy. Xoxo.)

5, 6, 7-8-9-10, Andre, I love you ’cause you’re a habitual line-stepper. Also, Baby, baby. You’re in my system. (I know it’s the other one; it just fits here.)


Instrumentals I need and that in some way refer to the cultural zeitgeist at large, 05/06/10.

“Hand-Clapping songs improve cognitive development in children.”LiveScience, evidently just now hearing about how I won the entire school’s spelling bee when I was in second grade. That means I had to go up against fourth and fifth graders, and I won, and it’s all because of mom and dad’s record collection.

Look at you, North Carolina! Shining star, baby! “Who Dat” blew up the proverbial spot a couple days ago, and I’m hungry for the instrumental so I can raise up, take my shirt off, then twist it around my head and spin it like a helicopter. It’s the handclaps, sure, but that bassline gives me a magical feeling of ’90s nostalgia because of a certain Christopher Wallacian quality. Pink gators, my Detroit players/Timbs for my hooligans in Brook-lynnn. “Who Dat” into “Hypnotize”–that would be a nice mix.

Shirley Ellis – “The Clapping Song.” Joy, just pure joy. My parents used to play this when I was little and show me how to cut a rug right there in the living room. Obviously they saw the hips blooming on me and knew I’d have to learn how to move them in a rhythmic fashion in order to get boys to buy me things.


• I’m supposed to believe that Tiger Woods drove a Buick and Dr. Dre uses an HP to make beats. “STOOPS!,” the 15-year-old in me says. Good one, advertising! E for effort, and T for nice try.

Sometimes advertising is successful, though, like in the case below. “Evolve,” a Gatorade x David Banner wonderful thing, contains a song Banner wrote, produced, and arranged. And now, of course, I need it in instrumental form even though the singing is pretty great. Nice intro to build to crescendo. Courtesy of UGC.

• Detroit might someday legalize weed, perhaps. I live in California, where the streets are paved with gold and there’s greenery in a dispensary on every corner and we don’t have to worry about something called “sticks” or “stems” (I don’t smoke but I’ve listened to enough songs to know). So, Detroit, you’re onto something good here, even though the slow, state-by-state legalization of things gets tiresome. States’ rights vs. federal law means I have to leave Arizona if I’m too swarthy-looking (I always get guesses of Spain, Argentina, Brazil, sometimes Italy), I have to go to Michigan for weed, and then on to Iowa or DC to marry my girlfriend.

“Cali Hills.” Where is the instrumental of this, and may I have it, please, Stones Throw? PS, look at Guilty up there, lookin like he’s about to go to work in a factory so his kids can eat, like every dude in a Springsteen song or a gentler Joe Jackson. Goddammit I love a blue-collar-lookin MC.



CMB! We all we got!!


On Thanksgiving I be passin out turkeys like Nino Brown, baby!

Look at what the Internet has placed before me:

Lennon* plus Snipes plus hiphop times nineties divided by Ice T equals texty tee I must have if I am ever going to smile again during my lifetime.

I’ve said I need things before. Many times, in fact. Those were lies, all lies. The only item I need in order to survive is the screenprinted, 100% cotton one above, because what else is there to wear when I take over The Carter?? I’ll sport it and then you people will be forced to finally respect my hustle.

Therefore, GIMME.

What I’ve forced on you above is yet another post written solely so I’d have an excuse embed a Fucking Classic Video from a Bygone Era. Today, it’s the video for this song. THISSSS SONNNNG. I love it, I need it, I wanna be on it. If this song came to Crazy Girls during my shift (Fridays at 11), it would get a free lapdance. And you, DJ Aladdin, darling, I know I say this to all the musically-inclined boys, but MARRY ME. How can I be down???

Special appearances by pagers galore, 19-year-olds with fifty-thousand dollar cars, and the one and only Michael G. Tyson:



Nice nod to the OG name of the Live at the BBQ guy. That font, though. It’s the wrong one, brought back from the “Breaking Logan’s Heart” Years (’97 – present) probably just to torture me. Dude, make um say appropriate typeface. I need some Old English, STAT.

Beatles USB

Pretty shape, clever design that seems obvious now but it was never so obvious that I thought of it, so good job, designer. However, I don’t care for the pearly green shade. What the hell, Capitol Records?

While the Beatles may not yet be on iTunes, they’re still embracing new models of distribution. After making their music available in a video game in September, the Beatles will soon be releasing a limited edition custom-made apple-shaped USB drive containing all audio and video found in the recent re-mastered stereo box set.

But it will cost you: The USB drive will be selling for $279.

The content on the USB drive can also be had for $219, but the higher price allows fans to avoid the clutter of 14 compact discs. Only 30,000 of the expensive stocking stuffers will be available. Pre-orders are up and running now on the Beatles’ official website, and the USB will be released on Dec. 8 in the United States.

Here’s the info for the audio geeks, straight from the official Beatles website: “The 16GB USB’s audio contents will be provided in FLAC 44.1 Khz 24 bit and MP3 320 Kbps formats, fully compatible with PC and Mac.”

M. Ward – Green River (CCR cover). Starts out slow, but it builds. (Just like me!)


I let my tie rock til my tie popped, or something to that effect

The only dudes in ties that excite me are Don Draper, Cornel West, Misters Blonde, Blue, Pink, Orange, White, and Brown, all Int’l Players with an Anthem, and the 3 “Sabotage” detectives. Oh, and YOU, in THIS, HOLYCHRIST:

Sonic Fabric neckties! Each is make from fabric woven from 50% recorded audio cassette tape and 50% colored thread. The fabric is actually audible if you run a tape head over it!

You will need to rip apart an old Walkman, you free the playhead from the player and then rub it over the fabric (oohh/ahhh); with the headphone you will hear the MUSIC of the fabric! It contains the designer’s own music, a collection of looped and layered samples grabbed from the NYC metro system (a creepy, beautiful, David Lynch-ian soundscape), but in a daydream I just had, the ties sound like Busta on “Case of the PTA,” Too $hort’s trunk, Guru’s Saints hat on the cover of Step in the Arena, G Rap on your cousin’s tape of Stretch & Bobbito, rainbows, dewdrops, truth, and also purity, light, and goodness.

Creator Alyce Santoro:

The idea behind the tie is that the wearer becomes a beacon for other-dimensional, intangible, subtle forces of good…much in the manner of a superhero. only this part of the superhero garb can be worn on the outside in the most conservative environment without detection! looks equally great with dress shirt or t-shirt. this tie is the thinner version – 2″ wide at the widest point. i also make a slightly wider version for more mature audiences.

Alyce Santoro, you wacky hippie visionary, you’re my future best friend and my density, only you don’t know it yet.

Unattractive, yet you need it, right? You’re like GIMME. Or, more appropriately, you’re like GIVE IT HERE.