Congrats, Marlowe! Best Use of Words to Make Logan Feel Bad about Herself! The problem is my greed, though. I want it all, identity-wise. It’s too hard to pick just one thing. Half the time I’m pleased being me, making my way through the world, even with all the affection from LAPD officers. But then half the time I want to be the not-me girl, smooth and shiny. Cops never try to talk to her, I bet.
And then I remember Ghosty said Nice girl that’s clean, that was raised to cook/On the couch chilling, shorts on, reading a book, and I’m like, Philip who? Such is the pleasure of language.
This week’s other awards, culled from the week’s collection of all the LA sign quotes, Harpers mag snippets, and rap lyrics that bounce around in my head while I’m at my government job (your tax dollars at work, people):
• Still got a throwaway phone in my sock drawer.
Pusha T, “Raid”
Most Efficient Use of Words in Which our Narrator Tells a Saga of Where He Once Was and Where He is Currently. Pusha tells a better story in 1 line than Rawss can in 32 bars. Also when you download Fear of God your computer will save it under his DMV name (terrence_thornton_mixtape.zip), a thing I keep yelling about because it just amuses me so much! (sorry, everybody)
• This is tailor-made drug dealer theme music
Test it on your tongue or either watch a fiend do it
I got you hooked and I laugh as you lean to it.
“Raid” again. Best Use of Evil (that last line). Ooh he’s like Nino Brown except from Virginia.
• It’s like Raaaaaaid, spraying on you roaches
The AK is an animal, it is ferocious
A n—a wanna sing but we is the dopest
Watch that n—a disappear, hocus pocus
Ring, ring the n—a won’t sing
Ring, ring, I keep that bitch clean
Ring, ring the n—a won’t sing
Unless he is an insomniac and dying to dream.
Pharrell, in, oh would you look at that–it’s “Raid,” a song by Pusha T of the rap duo the Clipse.
Best Tribute to a Household Item Other than Pyrex.
Best Use of Pharrell’s Weird Deep/High-Pitched Voice–there’s nothing else like it in music. I also love the cheerful, punchy piano, ’cause it’s nice “bitches-double-teaming” music as my grandma would say. The perfectly-placed ding in “Drop It Like It’s Hot” (you should think about it…take a second) is probably P’s finest moment (next to the almighty spy chord, which isn’t really a moment as much it is a ubiquitous thing from ’98-’02). Snoop’s exaggerated delivery gets tiresome in the song but that DING sounds like the call for a threesome to begin, oh god it’s like the very souuuuund of girls undressing. You got your willing ladies and your neck-tatted pretty-faced producer. “Annnnd places, everyone!” DING.
Hocus pocus, I just learned, comes from an old-timey Latin blessing in mass–Hoc est corpus meum, meaning “This is my body.” I am guessing that’s not the first time P has used such a phrase to his own ends, most likely while in the company of ladies. By the way, P, this is my body; you like? (I mean, that’s what I would say if I engaged in groupie antics which of course I do not. HI MOM.)
• Sleeping with the finest
The thread count is bindless
Security blanket of cocaine, I am Linus
Pusha T, “I Still Wanna.” FUCKYES, Charles Schulz raps. Peanuts raps. Thumb-suckin, socially-anxious-children raps. Dumbest Line That Still Works Somehow.
• Still push weight like my car broke down.
Genasis, “Jackie Chan”
Forgive me for this one, please. I can’t take it when you look at me that way; just hear me out.
Best Simile in a Catchy Dumb Power 106 Rush-Hour Banger with No Redeeming Value Other Than Pure Aural Pleasure. But see, that in itself is redeeming value–the pleasure. I realize that everybody’s quick with the bad music/junk food metaphor–“Potato chips are also SO SO GOOD, Logan, but they are bad for your body.” Jerk, listen: if they taste good, they are good for your body. You’re overthinking it.
PUSH WEIGHT LIKE MY CAR BROKE DOWN, by the way. Not sure if you heard it the first time. So crisp and clean, and it’s funny but I’ve never heard anybody say it like that before, even with the years and years of songs about how being a dopeboy is in the blood and it’ll always be with an MC despite shine/fame/money. Love it. He also says My car breakfast–745. Aha. Haha. Cute.
• Bullshit convo, five minutes invested
Now she buck naked lying next to you via text message.
Curren$y, “Flight Briefing”
Best Use of QWERTY.
No getting around it; this is just pure poetry. So much is said here about menfolk and womenfolk, and in fewer than 20 words.
• My family know–rarely seen, they know I’m married to my dream
So in love with that green that my bitch every day threatens to leave
The only thing that’s left for me is to suggest that she do what she please
Curren$y – “Frosty”
Best Use of Manners by a Southern Gentleman. I could quote you a hundred GTFOH raps by some of the greatest lyricists this world has ever known (come by apt. 15 tomorrow night, around 7:30). I don’t mind screamin on em/“I’m mad at you, woman” raps. Passion is a good thing. But it’s a little guy from N-O who shows restraint that gets the award today. I suggest that you do what you please, my dear. I’m also thrilled to announce that the instro has hereby just been added to the “Logan Walking Down the Street on a Sunny Day” song canon.
• We can share beginnings, walk before you run, but she so independent
And I could see us fly, the sky is the limit
We so real, got my own quarter mill
Counting money on the bed, watching Deal Or No Deal
In a perfect world, just my guns and my girl
Pusha T, “Feeling Myself.” This particular “Feeling Myself” has a hideous R&B hook and is not as good as the Mac Dre one, tragically (although Pusha could also get away with the line I treat my bitch like my ATM card). And it’s pretty unremarkable as far as lyrical creativity goes, but I just like the incorporation of boring game show. Best Use of Boring Game Show?
• If people don’t like it now, they will.
The Joker’s henchmen break into the museum and empty the display cases; this occurs repeatedly, again and again: finally it can be reckoned upon beforehand and becomes a part of the exhibition.
a) Most Accurate Description by a Jazz Genius of Your Mom’s and Your Mailman’s Feelings about Odd Future 6 months ago.
b) Most Accurate Description of OF’s Current Stranglehold on Music-Consuming Human Beings.
• Please, pretty please
I just wanna see you down on your pretty knees
Pusha T feat. Kanye, “Touch It”
This is a love song to coke and that line is code for “I just wanna sit in a room and stare at you, pretty white lady, ’cause your value as determined by capitalism in the unregulated free market has made all my dreams come true.” Alas, this cannot totally make up for This Week’s Worst Use of Kanye (who insists on trying to do sex raps because he is delusional and doesn’t know how ridiculous he appears), and Worst Attempt at Disguising a Reference to Oral (You are such a champ, how you take it on the chin). This does, however, get Second-Best (after Curren$y) Use of Manners and Decorum. Please, pretty please. I figure if you’re a dude it’s hard to keep up with girls who sometimes like to be bossed around but who also appreciate dudes saying please and thank you. But I always say just rely on the context of the situation, you know? That should tell you which way to go.
• Get off my elevator.
Best Use of Old Kool Keith to Soothe After a Hard Day at Work in a High-Rise Downtown.
Backrub please, pretty please.
• I just brought a drop just recently
I killed the parking lot just recently
I just brought a whip just recently
I made another flip just recently
I just bust a check just recently
I bust a bad bitch just recently
I’m screaming out “who want a piece of me?!”
I just got a deal just recently
Gucci & 50, “Recently.”
I just got a bikini just recently! I just made an illegal left just recently! I can’t stop singing this hook just recently! I just had a birthday just recently! (oh wait, no. It’s tomorrow.) Best Use of Catchy. Best Use of the Word “Just” (Twice in the Same Line!)
Lambo round that Autobahn, 50 says in the not-hook (sometimes I manage to tear myself away from the hook). This reminds me of that Monch interview in the Voice, wherein he describes “Immigrant Song” as “sounding like someone either riding a horse through a snow forest or doing 120mph on the Autobahn,” fucking YES that’s exactly what it sounds like! And I’m not even a big Led Zep girl! MONCH YOU NAILED IT/WHERE THE FUCK IS QUEENS RAWRR RARRR RARARA. Monch. Goddammit I love him. (Even though he said Fuck you; pay me on “Assassins,” a cliche straight outta ’99, and that’s almost unforgivable.)
• My people sleep in coffins, I miss em–I’m breaking down
In the face of a bad bitch that I’m ‘sposed to be taking down
Baby ride while I’m crying, I’m dying inside
‘Cause my pain is Poseidon or a giant leviathan that I’m hiding from the world
They hit me with everything but the kitchen sink
How ironic–same place I vomit when I lick a drink
Apparently I need to get a shrink
How can therapy take care of me when I don’t give a fuck what n—s think?
Crooked I, “Sober Up.”
Yet another song between the years of 2009 and 2011 that sounds like a video game. And JESUS CHRIST I think I just linked to a song with Budden on it. Crooked I’s good, though. He veers dangerously close to crybaby Eminem territory with those lyrics, but that last line redeems it. Best Way to Bring it Home with a Closing Line. Get ’em, Long Beach.
• I speak of world peace, war, famine and flood
Watchin Pan’s Labyrinth while I’m unraveling bud
Pharoahe Monch, “Evolve.” Best Mention of the Mundane/Everyday. One day I’ll do a Random Tribute: Raps about Watching Movies While Rolling/Smoking Ls post, even though Ls is east coast slang and we don’t say it that way out here. He also says Please seize the moment in the struggle against Lucifer. K, Monchie! You got it. (If I have time today after doing laundry)
• You gotta take it back to face the fact
These D’s look at us as just another case to crack
If I bust a gun in the hood I get Attica or the cat
I bang a gat in Iraq I get a pat on the back
Best believe I know better than that
This a lesson for all my listeners, this shit ain’t just regular rap
It’s the greatest story that ever been spat
Saigon, “The Greatest Story Never Told.” Best Use of “Spit” in Past Tense.
Most Success with Preachy Lyrical Content While Still Holding My Interest.
Regarding the beat: Best Just Blaze Doing an Impression of Just Blaze in ’01.
And aw, the Attica thing reminds me of this:
I just stared at the cover for 8 minutes straight just recently!
It’s almost my birthday just recently!
Willis, “Word Up.”
I also believe there are some couplets on that new Big K.R.I.T. that will make next week’s Rap Lyric Awards.