1. “I’m not gay. I like having sex with no condoms with women.” – Brandon, in a video explanation that VladTV has decided to call “Lil B Explains Threatening to Take Kanye’s Manhood.” (I did not realize that references to a sex act that may or may not be considered gay is the same thing as having your manhood stripped, nor did I realize that manhood is a fixed identity signifier that others may take away from you at any time, like your keys or wallet! Gosh thank you, Vlad.)
In happier news, the plan that I currently have in development is to elbow past the swarms of other ladies at Coachella for some grassy-field condomless based lovemaking with the HBIC of the Internet. I will be unstoppable. Just gotta work out the details. “Time to make a baby,” I’ll say to Lil B, and he will not protest because I am unstoppable. Afterward, we’ll smoke and talk about how 1) The best thing is a rapper/human in full control of his/her vision; the worst is one who takes to the Twitter pulpit and attempts to give life instructions, and 2) if Rae ever cooked on YouTube the universe would finally collapse in on itself. There would be nothing more for humans to aspire to. (Just shut it down at that point.)
2. “Excuse me little mama, if I may
Take this thought and send it your way
And if you don’t like that, then send it right back
But I just gotta say:
I wanna be on you (on you), I wanna be on you (on you)
And if you don’t like that, then send it right back.”
RON BURGUNDY, is that you?? Oh dear, no. It’s weird old-man-faced Flo Rida and whiny-voiced Ne-Yo, circa ’09 (but played on Power 106 on 01/19/11, 4:51 pm PST). The words are from Anchorman and I find it to be a lazy and terrible piece of music. I wanna be on youuuu, someone other than R. Kelly sang on my car radio today, and it upset me.
I rather feel that I have been giving Clear Channel and its subsidiaries too much love recently–so thank you, Ne-Yo and subsidiaries, for continuing to make musical rubbish which allows me to run on hatred (and the fumes of hatred when my tank is low).
Dreams! Who doesn’t have a dream tucked away somewhere? There’s a 2 in 5 chance that an American believes Jesus will return to Earth by 2050. That’s a good one. We all spend a good portion of our day in dreamland. We are good at fantasy in America–only not like the porn industry, which we frown upon; our fantasies are pure, although they are also far-fetched.
“Right now, I wouldn’t mind fuckin’ with Baby,” is how he begins the entire quote, full of unicorns and Santa Claus and pots of gold at the end of rainbows. “Majors, nah. I’d rather go with independent*. As far as labels out there I wouldn’t mind fuckin’ with Cash Money. I wouldn’t mind fuckin’ with the Birdman.”
“I wouldn’t mind fuckin’ with Fifty right now. Doing some movies, some shit. But I definitely fucks with the Birdman. Shout out to Birdman, Lil Wayne.” I thought we no longer refer to fucks-ing with others in the industry. We still say co-sign and speaks on, which I hate. Anyway, good luck with your dream, but be careful if you bring in some outside producers, Beans! Everyone knows Cash Money don’t pay no royalties.
* ed. note: Cash Money = Universal Music Group. It’s not 1996, Beans.
And since we each get a turn at this: I wouldn’t mind having some condom-free (!) based sex (because of my self-destructive tendencies; Lord, protect me from myself) on the soft grassy Coachella meadow, and then being given a cubicle and name plate for my desk at Wax Poetics’ HQ the following morning. I wouldn’t mind getting a Leica camera. I would not hate very much for cherries to be in season right now (almost!), or to go to lunch with Daniel Dumile. Music-makers and dreamers of dreams; that’s what we are.
4. “It’s like seeing the nerd pope!” – Evan Hetland, 13, self-professed physics fan, on coming (with “the Shatkin family of Valencia,” no less) to see Stephen Hawking speak at Caltech.
No hate here; the kid is adorable and speaks the truth. I tried to think of a better nerd pope and I could not. Cornel West? No, he’s the nerd minister of culture.
5. Pettibon/Pettibone. That’s not a quote, but it’s on the list of today’s notable language moments because I found out it’s an actual surname, not just something made up and used by OC punkrock artsy great-uncle who probably found Rollins irritating but had to put up with him. Rollins is irritating and he’s got that weird way of over-enunciating everything on the radio but sometimes he plays something good, like that Black Eyes song about Haiti with the sexual bassline (Saturday night, KCRW, around 6:45 pm PST).
6. “You go to Tougaloo, but I know you still flip.” – Banner, on the well-rounded college girl, in “Like a Pimp.” Get out on the floor and girl get it how you live, touch your toes, shake something. It’s OK; Banner can shout out instructions like this because he’s conflicted about it and that kind of complexity is appealing. I listen to this song 2-3 times per month on my own already, but my body feels a rush of delight every time it comes on the radio (hardly ever anymore since it’s not 2003-4, but you know. Sometimes.) Real girls get down on the floor/on the floor. YEP. That’s me. I believe I am included in this group despite the fact that I am a grown-up lady. One of the finest songs to undress to while on the Magic City stage, it is the opposite of the dumb and mundane, the daily, all the tiresome chores and errands. It sounds like victory (and sex and molasses) as I pull into the Vons parking lot to buy sourdough bread and soymilk. Radio programmers have the uncanny ability to play the most pleasingly emotional stuff as I’m doing the most squaresville of tasks, like when “What U Gon Do” comes on when I’m in the drive-thru at In-N-Out. Hi! Knuck if you buck. And I’d also like a medium vanilla shake please.
This little moment of Banner was sponsored by the Mississippi Musicians Hall of Fame, into which he was just inducted. He’s now in the company of deities Sam Cooke, Willie Dixon, John Lee Hooker, and the God’s Son’s dad (which makes him God, I guess-?). Not sure yet which heading Banner’s going to be filed under, but I do love the fact that Ike Turner is in the Rock & Roll category and not Rhythm & Blues just because he’s black.
This was yielded during a “Trick Daddy” image search. It just seems to fit.
7. “We gon let the band deal with this.” – Trick, in one of the top 25 intros of all tiiiiiimes, which I was reminded of when I fucking heard “SHUT UP” the other day after many months of not having heard it. I used to listen to that song 5-6 times per month and my body trembled every time, but then of course I played it one time too many like always. That’s just my way, and I never learn. Oversaturation is a killer.
Nerd minister of culture Mr. Cornel West said love is the force that transcends death; “all the rest is sounding brass and tinkling cymbals.” Yes but to me, sounding brass and tinkling cymbals is love, ‘specially when it comes from marching bands who are brought in to assist MCs straight from Dade County:
8. “We are hardwired to find simple patterns pleasurable.” – science, on music and the brain and why their lovemaking will never stop feeling good. Oh. Hello, science. Nice to see you’ve caught up with me. Please refer to songs by: Trick Daddy, David Banner, Lil Jon.