Obviously MCs are mythologized in my head and they kind of talk to me as I make my way through each day, giving me pep talks and inspiring me with joyful and creative wordplay. Yancy Thigpen couldn’t catch me sleepin; On my feet is venom/see I’m dressed to kill (I always wear heels to work), blah blah. Their births, therefore, must be celebrated. It just so happens that Biggie’s birthday falls on this particular Spring day in which so much is irritating and sad. Sorry, Chris.
Oil-covered animals are washing up ashore, I hate HAAATE that dash in The-Dream’s name, Arizona, Texas, and Kentucky are in a 3-way battle for Evil Supremacy within these United States (the “Atlantic Triangular Trade,” fucking hell), and Christopher Wallace is gone and he’s never coming back (never, not EVER). Then there’s this “6 Unexpected Ways to Turn Him On” story today, pushed hard by Yahoo (I refuse to put the exclamation point; I’m an adult). I knew I’d have to make fun of it before I read one word in the body, as “turn him on” is so comical, like something from Cosmo in ’86. This feature is part of the larger body of Internet theme pieces that compile alluring qualities of people of each gender – a theme that is annoying and stupid, but that I wish I had thought of because people really seem to love it, as evidenced by their enthusiastic comments and such. People get riled up when you tell them to do this, and not to do that, if you want someone to love you.
This particular list is BS, I’m afraid, as there are no statements of requirements related to sex, a girl maintaining a nice weight even after babies, voting appropriately, and possessing the good sense to be quiet when she knows that talking would just ruin the moment. Even I look for these qualities in girls and I’m not even looking to date a girl. It’s just human decency.
1. She Appreciates “Nontraditional” Beauty. I love feedback – the squealing sound produced by guitars held close to amps. Feedback sounds like a rusty door, a dying cat, or a pack of whales crying in the ocean. When I share the ultimate feedback song, Smashing Pumpkins’ “Drown,” with a girl, she usually refers to the feedback-laden ending as “senseless noise.” But in my opinion, it’s a carefully orchestrated, creative way to use a sonic element of the guitar.
I’m not sure why I can’t just walk away from this one instead of dignifying it with a response, but I must take the bait and address that “dying cat” reference. Girls don’t like to be reminded that animals die (please refer to the second paragraph of this post) – especially if they are sweet and furry animals like kitties. Further, JIMI is the feedback don; his version of the Star-Spangled Banner is the song you must play in order to gauge a lady’s sensitivity to the mating call of the guitar. Additionally, there is an annoying band from Los Angeles called the Silversun Pickups that bite the sound of Billy Corgan & co. like it’s ’94 all over again (which, of course, it is, but only when it comes to rap music). Basically, I’m just leading up to this: I wish one of my favorite rappers would do an “Ava Adore” freestyle.
2. She Faces Reality. People avoid reading about bad things that happen in the world, but it’s important to have perspective and realize the world is good – and bad.
Is this even true? I only give my body and time and energy to someone who is brilliant and strong, appreciative of my smarts, affectionate, and can give a rough estimate of when Rawkus started to go downhill. Therefore, I simply don’t know what most mortal human boys like and need. So is this one true or not? Realize the world is bad? I thought a sunshiny outlook was best. Do boys like a girl who watches CNN and then discusses world issues, frowny-faced and with a heavy heart? Is the art of escapism not appreciated among you? Please inform. (FYI, she should be watching BBC World News instead.)
3. She Doesn’t Do What Everyone Else Does. The media embraces certain things, and many people follow. But, to most guys, followers are boring, and independent thinkers are sexy. Set trends on your own and buck established ones.
This one is just disingenuous, since “independently thinking” is probably only acceptable inasmuch as it does not interfere with a girl’s commitment to shaving her legs and taking her birth control. I should’ve ignored this one on sheer principle, since “The media embraces certain things” is a poorly constructed sentence opener that just makes no sense and now I’m complicit in its promotion on the Internet. Nice, Logan.
4. She’s Tuned in to the World. A few weeks ago, I read about a disease wiping out entire colonies of bats along the East Coast. The article confirmed my worst fears: As the bats disappear, the insect populations they feed on will explode. When I relay this story to most women I meet they say, “Why should I care?” There seems to be a dearth of people who have a passion about the world.
Science is the greatest and any girl worth marrying knows that, but 1) fuck a bat, and 2) all bugs should die because it scares me when I see one unexpectedly. And, really, who isn’t tuned into the world? Are we not assuming that all girls read the paper and watch Rachel Maddow every day? Because we should assume that, as this is the standard to which we should be holding our girls. Anyway, we’re spending too much time on this. Let’s tune in to some world events. There’s new Oddisee to discuss and obsess over. And pull your head out of your ass, because Texas is trying its hardest to get back into the Confederacy.
5. She Can Tell a Good Story. Storytelling is a gift that requires a sense of timing and an understanding of an audience. A good storyteller is intriguing but hard to find.
It’s the birthday of Biggie Smalls, the fourth-best storyteller after Aesop, Slick Rick, and Captain Koons in Pulp Fiction, and any lady worth dating is obviously going to know that. I can’t really tell a story for shit (I mix up my metaphors and get nervous from the pressure), but goddammit if I can’t hand you a list of 100 microphone kings with great narrative ability. This would make me wife material if it weren’t for the fact that I refuse to participate in the institution of marriage until it’s legal for my beloved gays to do the same – in every state. So, for now, you and I will just sleep together and go record shopping together, but part ways after that and return to our own apartments for quiet time, personal time. It’s rough, I know.
6. She Can Talk About “Boy Stuff.” Sometimes, I spout off “boy stuff” (read: sports) and unfairly expect a girl to keep up, but I do talk about my fair share of “girl stuff” – cooking, fashion, hair – to deserve a few conversations about serial killers and horror movies.
Cronenberg and Argento, obviously. But the serial killers thing? Is that true? I feel so lost.
I know about Gacy and the clowns, and I guess there’s something cool and outlaw-ish about those guys as a whole if you sort of detach yourself from the emotion -the taking of human life and evading the law, pretty G – but a whole conversation about serial killers is off-putting to me and the rest of my ladies, all the chickenheads from Pasadena to Medina. Boy stuff, if you must mark it as such and place it over on that side of the room (away from girl stuff), should maybe be reserved for talk between you and your boys. Not every girl cares about basketball and funny old pictures of KG at the high school prom, even though in a perfect world every girl would because that’s some of the best stuff in life. Also, why are your gender attitudes cribbed from Father Knows Best?
I wish Big were here, but I’m OK. (I say this because I want to be). Devin the Dude still makes albums, I’m loving the delicious LeBron-Delonte dramaticals, plus I found out that me and Rizz use the same technology portal!
Being the proud owner of a trusty Toshiba laptop makes a girl feel alluring and classy, like a tall, lanky, and spectacular music producer with kung-fu, chess, and comic book fetishes. Once again, Robert saves the day. WU-TANG, UBER ALLES.
DJ Anthony – “Brooklyn Bomb.”