It’s been 40 long hard years/and still strugglin.

If you had to go into a surgical procedure would you choose the doctor with the most experience or the one with the fancier car?

So why allow rap music to enter your brain when it isn’t being done by professionals? Rappers need to upgrade their lifestyles and rap fans need to demand more from themselves.

Dallas Penn, giving me an Oh worrrrd moment if there ever was one, even though I’d like to remind him of a man who straddles the worlds of materialism and paid-dues talent – the experience-haver and fancy-car driver, ladies and gentlemen, for one night only, make some noise, let’s give a warm welcome, put your hands together and assorted other motions for the walking conglomerate:

HOV! Happy birthday.

Even though some of us are not in the Biggie camp and not in the Nas camp and not in your camp – some of us are in the G Rap/Rakim camp (we fluctuate) and even in the Slick Rick or Kool Keith camp when we feel like starting trouble – I’d like to take this opportunity to say

Thanks for everything;
Glad you slowed down your flow from then* til now;
Kinda hate in my heart that you’re a walking Fortune 500 company even though in my head I know it’s a positive thing;
Is Rubin as wonderful a man as I imagine him to be? Wait, if the answer is no, don’t tell me don’t tell me;
In My Lifetime, Vol. 1. Explain what happened there, please;

And PS – are you putting your penis in ladies other than your wife? I believe it is contractually obligated for you to do so if you are a straight man who has appeared on television more than 500 times and if my mailman has heard of you. I hope you’re satisfied with being relegated to sleeping with a talented, pretty-eyed song goddess. (Unless you and B have an “arrangement.” In which case, ew, you’re gross and corny. But um, happy birthday nonetheless.)

I too dress my ass off and my walk is mean. The classic “Ay Ma” line in song form below, flipped and bounced into “little redeeming social value” auditory heaven.



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