SWEET JONES.


Sorry to be snitchy but, oh my goodness, even a big fancy website like Pitchfork sometimes has to deal with the unfortunate mess of having a dumb dumb for a webmaster, and then I have to call ’em out. Nobody cares about music rankings and nobody cares about Pitchfork’s music rankings, we know this. But because I felt like I wanted to maybe get a little heated, since I LOVE to hate on the idea of ranking art and beauty (it fuels me), I looked at their Best 17,000 Songs of the Last 8 Months That Start With The Letter “S” or whatever. I like to peruse these sort of lists and then exclaim OH GOOD LORD, stop it! Beauty isn’t rational and can’t be argued. (there you go, a free Truth About Life from HeightFiveSeven.)

That said, if cyber-journalist music-rankers are going to pull this stuntery they should probably at least make sure their list makes it to the Internets in an accurate fashion. The staff wrote all their rankings down in their Moleskines, from number 500 down to number 1, but their web guy done fucked up when it came to transferring the numbers from paper to the website. OH PITCHFORK! You need better people! It’s hard to keep 500 of anything straight and in order, I understand this; however, I insist that you please FIX the EGREGIOUS error of ACCIDENTALLY placing “Int’l Players Anthem” at Number Forty Fucking Three in your stupid rankings I don’t care about but that nonetheless have angered me enough to do a stupid blog post about.

43?? I’m not the one, you coterie of music nerds. I am not the one. Rearrange, please. I need to see this song placed no higher than Number 15, post haste, my dude(s). It’s science.
Also, get your hearing checked. And your brain checked. You might be partially deaf and/or retarded. Actually, maybe get these things checked even before you do the rearranging, ’cause I am just that worried about you.

(Oh, and also, the decade isn’t over yet. What if something super dope drops in, like, October? Duns.)

What we have below is a present from God Him/Herself in the form of 4 and a half minutes of headphone porn that convinced me to give up my life and move to Port Arthur to walk the track for 2 handsome men with diamonds and sick flows. Me and Pimp C on top of the covers, using protection. All those F-words throughout and all that sweetness throughout. “I smashed up the gray one/Bought me a reeeeeed” – remember? Summer of ’07? “Need a real STREET STALKUH to walk a green mile”? I played it overandover and then I went and got the instro on vinyl and died every time that cash register sound at 03:45 came in? Remember? That “ask Paul McCartney” part about alimony? You remember.

Willie Hutch – “I Choose You.” I can’t believe I’ve never posted this on here before. Sorry for failing you guys.
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One thought on “SWEET JONES.

  1. danps

    Their top 20 contains Arcade Fire, Animal Collective and two – TWO!! – from LCD Sound System. That's not a “Best of” that's a “what me and my hipster friends peer pressured each other into saying we liked.”

    BTW I always expected Weird Al to do a song called “Get Ur Free Corn.”

    Reply

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