THIS GUY: whatshisface in that Eli Porter doc.

Making fun of people in general and making fun of rappers specifically is a special talent given to me by God. And for balance, being a nice person is a part of my character cultivated in me by my mom since birth. I’m deferring to my upbringing in the case of People’s Champion – the story of sophomore Eli Porter, famous for being terrible in the ruthless rap freestyle arena known as “Chamblee High’s 4th-period broadcasting class back in ’03.” Obviously the young man has some deficits (physical definitely, cognitive probably), and you’re a jerk if you make fun of him. C’mon, my mom says. Act right. Most inadequate MCs are fair game for pointing and laughing at, especially Canadian ones who make odd hand motions and talk like they’re from Shreveport when they’re really from Canada. Eli, a teenage rapper who walks in a labored fashion because of an impairment he was born with, is not fair game. So that’s that. Glad we settled this as a family.

Watch for yourself, but please be advised: it’s impossible to get a handle on the tone of this short film. Is it a heartwarming tale of mic wielding? Is it a critique of our insatiable need to embarrass each other? I’ve watched it twice, and I have a master’s degree, and I still don’t know. I’m also annoyed that a thing called People’s Champion isn’t about Paul Wall. But most of all I’m annoyed that, while everyone’s discussing how the Internet giveth and the Internet taketh away when it comes to fame-based self-esteem, and discussing at what IQ level is it acceptable to make fun of a dude, I’m here in the cut (apt. 680) wondering why nobody’s discussing the 2 most discussion-worthy things about this film: a) Eli’s plastic spiral key-ring bracelet thingy (replicas of which Supreme will start selling next week for $42),

and b) the fact that one of the main players in this saga explains that the area in between white girls’ legs is used as some sort of heterosexuality trophy, a proving ground for a dude’s ability to exercise his masculine seduction powers. 

“Let me just go ahead and tell you guys: Marv-O fucked every white girl that he wanted to at Chamblee High School.” – Will, disputing claims that host Marv-O is gay just because a little touching and feeling between himself and battle judge J-Dub (male friends who have affection for one another, what you got a problem with that?) was caught on tape (at 07:35). Will’s not completely to blame for the comment – his purple RL with its sloppy collar and that huge bottle of Bud Light had this weird influence on his brain, making him feel invincible, like he could say such a thing on film without a blogging lady in LA catching it and calling him on it. Marv didn’t get every girl he wanted to naked; he got every pale-skinned one he wanted naked – a feat that gets Marv more points in the competition. And what does this say about white ladies and the value of their soft lady areas? What does it say about the value of non-white-ladies’ soft lady areas? I know what it says, and I do not like it. Will didn’t invent this value system, and I guess I could even argue he did me a favor by being so blunt about it, reminding me that some men still think this way. But still – it came from Will’s brain/mouth, so it’s Will who is the face of disgusting ideas about white-female-body privilege and notions of feminine beauty and value. Will’s comment is begging to be bandied and bickered about between us. He’s today’s THIS GUY.

(There is also an appearance by noted cultural critic Cornel West ANDY FUCKING MILONAKIS, tapped to put on his serious face and share his thoughts. He’s included in the doc strictly to make me throw my hands toward the heavens out of anger/disbelief and shout the F word. I do, however, approve of the copious Georgia accents throughout, the unstoppable freshness of the name Eli Porter, the appearances by my boyfriends Rafi and Dal, and the group-shaming due to Envy’s freestyle not really being a freestyle. I mean, show me the Blackberry, and then I’ll know it’s off the dome.)
Cee-Lo – “I’ll Be Around.” Because I needed something from the great state of Georgia, and obviously this one is so, so def even though it’s not So So Def. And please keep an eye out for How Could I Possibly Be Inconspicuous When My Flow is Fucking Ridiculous – my next mixtape, dropping fall 2003.


2 thoughts on “THIS GUY: whatshisface in that Eli Porter doc.

  1. Mike Dankinson

    “Most inadequate MCs are fair game for pointing and laughing at, especially Canadian ones who make odd hand motions and talk like they're from Shreveport when they're really from Canada.”

    Brilliance Slim.


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