Christmas Soul Special (Blue Moon, 1982)

This album is hot garbage so here lemme rank the most non-horrible Xmas songs for you:

12. The Ramones, “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)”

11. Yellow Man, “Santa Claus Never Comes To The Ghetto”

10. either Barrington Levy, “One Christmas Day” or Jacob Miller, “All I Want For Ismas” (undecided at press time)

9. Charles Brown, “Please Come Home for Christmas”

8. Marvin Gaye, “I Want to Come Home for Christmas” (saccharine as fuck but still like open-heart surgery because of Marvin’s voice & phrasing)

7. “Merry Christmas Baby” – the Bawse & the E Street Band, mostly because of the keys/drums/horns of the intro (Bittan/Weinberg/Clemons).

6. Bill Withers, “The Gift of Giving.”

5. Prince, “Another Lonely Christmas”

4. The Pogues & Kirsty MacColl, “Fairytale of New York”

3. Donny Edward Hathaway, “This Christmas”

2. Darlene Love, “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)”

1. Vince Guaraldi, “Linus and Lucy,” obviously

[Close, but nope: Run-DMC, “Christmas in Hollis” due to sheer annoying oversaturation (oddly, however, this does not impact the seeding of “Linus and Lucy”), Joni Mitchell’s “River” which is lovely but loses points for encouraging pouty Caucasian female wallowing, James Brown’s “Santa Claus Go Straight to the Ghetto” (boring), and “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” by John & Yoko/Plastic Ono Band, due to John Lennon’s hypocrital ass singing us a big ol' guilt-trip let’s-all-do-better song while pretending he's not a man who consistently physically assaulted the women in his life. HAVE A SEAT, LENNON.]

Fishbone, Truth and Soul [Columbia, 1988 (2014 RE)]

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I fucking love Fishbone. Who doesn’t?!??

(I will fight anyone who doesn’t)

In this album’s liner notes, the band thanks George Clinton, Brian Eno, John Cusack, and God – in that order. Seems about right to me.

Notorious B.I.G., Ready to Die [ugh...fucking Bad Boy, 1992 (2013 RE)]

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Never heard of this dude but I’m told he reps his borough with fierce pride (Queens!). Plus his name is from that Calvin Lockhart movie with the Mayfield soundtrack. I like him.

The Cars, Candy-O (Elektra, 1979)

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“Museum directors with their high shaking heads/They kick white shadows until they play dead.” Everybody knows “Let’s Go,” but really, how interesting is it to like the nightlife, baby? It’s not. “The Dangerous Type” is the real and true banger on this album. Shout to Greg Hawkes for the delicious synthy goodness and Roy Thomas Baker for being a general ’70s studio god (QUEEN).

Leon Russell and the Shelter People (uh, Shelter Records, 1971)

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Le onnn me

when you’re not strong.

Horacee Arnold, Tales of the Exonerated Flea (Columbia, 1974)

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Peace to all the concern trolls who keep turning up on Instagram expressing anxiety about my wardrobe choices. Here’s a nice jeans-and-turtleneck combo to please you, though I should warn that you may still be able to detect I have hips and breasts through the fabric : (

Isaac Hayes, Truck Turner soundtrack (Enterprise, 1974)

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I’m told that this topless gentleman was an important figure in music; more importantly, I know for a fact that he put babies in women on 12 separate occasions, making him the music game Antonio Cromartie. I try not to post album covers that remind me of my home country’s gross insatiable hunger for firearms, but I’ll overlook it in favor of laziness. (I needed an album cover this week and I had the jeans and plastic gun required.)

Ween, Chocolate and Cheese [Elektra, 1994 (RE)]

~~I WANT TO GO TO WRESTLEMANIA. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THIS MUST SHOCK YOU BUT I AM NOTHING IF NOT A COMPLEX WOMAN WITH A VARIETY OF INTERESTS.~~

Update: IT FUCKING WORKED. I AM GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA. Thank you for the tickets, Eric Perkins, whose uncle works for Vince McMahon. You are immortal in my eyes, sir.

Jon Lucien, Rashida (RCA Victor, 1973)

As long as you’re strong, you can quest with the ‘Questers/Jolly like a jumping bean or a jester/Lucien, Lucien, Lucien, Lucien

YOU.

SHOULD.

KNOW.

Belle and Sebastian, Tigermilk [Electric Honey/Matador, 1996 (RE)]

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Best thing outta Scotland after whisky, Groundskeeper Willie, cozy Fair Isle sweaters, Bon Scott and the Young brothers, David Byrne, the flute guy from Jethro Tull, Average White Band, and the exceedingly NON-Average White Lady known as my great-grandma, who puts her full support behind women mastering historically male-dominated activities and who also encourages me, somewhat pimp-like, to “Show em your nice shape, honey,” because these 2 things aren’t mutually exclusive for me as a woman, you see. (Sorry, @sexistdudesofinstagram! xo)