This album is hot garbage so here lemme rank the most non-horrible Xmas songs for you:
12. The Ramones, “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)”
11. Yellow Man, “Santa Claus Never Comes To The Ghetto”
10. either Barrington Levy, “One Christmas Day” or Jacob Miller, “All I Want For Ismas” (undecided at press time)
9. Charles Brown, “Please Come Home for Christmas”
8. Marvin Gaye, “I Want to Come Home for Christmas” (saccharine as fuck but still like open-heart surgery because of Marvin’s voice & phrasing)
7. “Merry Christmas Baby” – the Bawse & the E Street Band, mostly because of the keys/drums/horns of the intro (Bittan/Weinberg/Clemons).
6. Bill Withers, “The Gift of Giving.”
5. Prince, “Another Lonely Christmas”
4. The Pogues & Kirsty MacColl, “Fairytale of New York”
3. Donny Edward Hathaway, “This Christmas”
2. Darlene Love, “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)”
1. Vince Guaraldi, “Linus and Lucy,” obviously
[Close, but nope: Run-DMC, “Christmas in Hollis” due to sheer annoying oversaturation (oddly, however, this does not impact the seeding of “Linus and Lucy”), Joni Mitchell’s “River” which is lovely but loses points for encouraging pouty Caucasian female wallowing, James Brown’s “Santa Claus Go Straight to the Ghetto” (boring), and “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” by John & Yoko/Plastic Ono Band, due to John Lennon’s hypocrital ass singing us a big ol’ guilt-trip let’s-all-do-better song while pretending he’s not a man who consistently physically assaulted the women in his life. HAVE A SEAT, LENNON.]
I got “25 Miles” for when I need to get HYPED for my morning jog*, “Daddy Could Swear, I Declare” for when I need a thick heavy UGK break, “Someday We’ll Be Together” when I’m pining away for 1972-79 Tom Waits, and “Hang on in There, Baby” when I get bummed that my Fantasy Football team is not reaching its full potential. Basically there’s a Johnny Bristol-produced or -written song for every one of my life’s occasions.
* LOLOLOLLLL nope. The world’s laziest human doesn’t jog, dummies
[Besides, they’re most impressive OUT of the pocket, in front of a crowd – just like my man (or, more accurately, my mom’s man) Randall Cunningham! And, sigh, even though I’m a Raider fan I am contractually obligated SIGH to mention the unfortunately-tatted Colin Kaepernick when it comes to good scrambling QBs. I’m sick of the 9ers but Kap is pretty agile & smart; I’ll give him that. Plus at least he’s not my SWORN MORTAL ENEMY Philip Rivers, so there’s some silver lining.]
Special thank you to my personal Tom Jackson/Shannon Sharpe/Chris Berman/Deion/Jimmy the Greek (minus the obesity and the thighs comment).