Chris Christie continues his clueless public fellating of The BOSSSSSSSS while remaining completely unaware that he is the villain of every song by The Boss, closing factories and forbidding his daughter to date the kid from the poor family and calling the Trenton PD to do a sweep of the homeless encampment down under the bridge. QUIT SHOWING UP IN GOOGLE SEARCHES OF “BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN,” JERKOFF.
Last year I did a Manzarek cover recreation that afforded me the opportunity to speak on the degree to which the Los Angeles musical group the Doors is overrated. I made a lot of boys in the Internet sad and mad with my words, because people are stupid and sensitive and don’t like to be faced with the fact that the band whose CD was playing when they first tripped with their older cousin in 8th grade is overrated as HALE and coasted on the fame wrought by its pretty-faced, pretentious lead singer. You’re probably thinking I’m posting this record just so I can revisit that kind of fun and cause some trouble – poke the emotional-music-nerd bear, so to speak. But you’re wrong – I heart Manzarek and his spooky keys, actually, and I’m posting this because 1) I needed an “X” record for my aLPhabet project, and 2) this allows me to finally FINALLY use the caption DAT JOHN, DOE.
(This one also gives me an excuse to daydream about Darby Crash and David Hidalgo meeting in an elevator and talking about being on the same label. Fun!)
When IG vinyl bros (hi guys!) post Larry Young records, they keep it strictly Unity (‘cause it’s pretty and ’cause Woody Shaw) or Lawrence of Newark (‘cause it’s pretty, rare, and has a rad title), with some Larry Young’s Fuel mixed in for the Dilluminati (‘cause it’s got that Slum Village break). Heaven on Earth always gets lost in the shuffle (‘cause it’s not as good as the other albums), but it gives me a chance to break out the white sheet from that time I did the Aquemini cover plus I needed a “Y” record for my aLPhabet project. Y, boys and girls, is for YOUNG.
“And I wanna tell ya, if there is anybody here who doesn’t believe that it is fuckin great to be alive, I wish they would go now, because this show will bring them down so much.”
Guys my first stunt for ’15 is an A-to-Z cover series, one per day, starting today. Z is, of course, for ZAPPA (with Captain Beefheart & the Mothers).
No color-saturation trickery or anything, guys – look how pretty this came out! I fiiiiinally got Toussaint’s Life, Love and Faith, which made me think about other epic/stark/lovely black or white or black & white album covers, which sucked me down a rabbit hole all Sunday afternoon, which come to think of it is always where you can catch me on Sunday afternoon, every Sunday afternoon, with sporadic breaks only to stretch and refuel and check Deadspin. (Special appearances by my favorite red dress, my mug of hot chocolate, & because I’m fucking sick to DEATH of the Cowboys, Days of Our Harbaugh, and As the Manziel Turns, the Aldridge-less Blazers being unkind to the Knicks on my TV.)
This album is hot garbage so here lemme rank the most non-horrible Xmas songs for you:
12. The Ramones, “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)”
11. Yellow Man, “Santa Claus Never Comes To The Ghetto”
10. either Barrington Levy, “One Christmas Day” or Jacob Miller, “All I Want For Ismas” (undecided at press time)
9. Charles Brown, “Please Come Home for Christmas”
8. Marvin Gaye, “I Want to Come Home for Christmas” (saccharine as fuck but still like open-heart surgery because of Marvin’s voice & phrasing)
7. “Merry Christmas Baby” – the Bawse & the E Street Band, mostly because of the keys/drums/horns of the intro (Bittan/Weinberg/Clemons).
6. Bill Withers, “The Gift of Giving.”
5. Prince, “Another Lonely Christmas”
4. The Pogues & Kirsty MacColl, “Fairytale of New York”
3. Donny Edward Hathaway, “This Christmas”
2. Darlene Love, “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)”
1. Vince Guaraldi, “Linus and Lucy,” obviously
[Close, but nope: Run-DMC, “Christmas in Hollis” due to sheer annoying oversaturation (oddly, however, this does not impact the seeding of “Linus and Lucy”), Joni Mitchell’s “River” which is lovely but loses points for encouraging pouty Caucasian female wallowing, James Brown’s “Santa Claus Go Straight to the Ghetto” (boring), and “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” by John & Yoko/Plastic Ono Band, due to John Lennon’s hypocrital ass singing us a big ol' guilt-trip let’s-all-do-better song while pretending he's not a man who consistently physically assaulted the women in his life. HAVE A SEAT, LENNON.]